


Bruce Wayne Breaks His Ass

by nothingtoseeherefolks



Series: Bruce Wayne’s Rearing Adventures: A Thrilling Two-Cheeked Saga [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, DCU (Comics), Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Alfred has had Enough of these fools, Bruce Wayne breaks his ass, Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, M/M, Short Story, Super strength doesn’t have an off button, dear god why did I write this, probably isn’t the first time, under 1k words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:28:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22106329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingtoseeherefolks/pseuds/nothingtoseeherefolks
Summary: Bruce breaks a bone in an unorthodox place under unorthodox circumstances. Clark is very sorry.
Relationships: Alfred Pennyworth & Bruce Wayne, Alfred Pennyworth & Clark Kent, Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne
Series: Bruce Wayne’s Rearing Adventures: A Thrilling Two-Cheeked Saga [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1664647
Comments: 29
Kudos: 391





	Bruce Wayne Breaks His Ass

**Author's Note:**

> I’m also sorry.

He screwed up.

He screwed up _bad_.

“Oh god, I screwed up.”

He hears an inappropriate snort. “No shit, Sherlock.”

“A—Are you alright? Here—“

“Stop man-handling me. You’re making it worse. Just...call Alfred.”

“But...”

“But what?”

Without even looking he could tell he was red in the face. “What do I tell him?”

“The truth, obviously.”

“I can’t tell him that!”

Bruce rolls his eyes. “Trust me, Clark I’ve been injured in far stranger ways than this,” he says. “And I would prefer if you hurried up. My broken bones are rather _painful_ when you’re constantly moving the bed.”

He flew straight up off the bed. “Sorry. I’ll—just let me get my clothes on.”

“Good call.”

A shuffle of clothing. “Seriously, though. What do I tell him?”

“For all I care, tell him I got hit by a sudden, spontaneous meteorite under mysterious circumstances—I don’t really give a shit.” The sound of a zipper. “But I think Alfred can deduce what happened. I’m butt-naked with a broken ass and you won’t stop apologizing.”

“I’ll...I’ll tell him...Oh, I know! I can tell him I was just giving you a massage.”

Bruce turns his head, giving him the Look. “You’re going to go down there and tell Alfred you were massaging my butt, and you just got so into the shiatsu that you lost control and broke my ass,” he says flatly. He raises an eyebrow. “Pulitzer-winning journalist and full-time superhero, and that’s the best idea you’ve got? For fucks sake, Kent.”

“Well, I don’t hear you coming up with any master plan either, _Batman_. Of course if you say it like that it will sound stupid—“

”Because it is.”

”—But maybe I can spin it right—like you said, I’m a journalist.” He could hear him pacing behind him. “I can, uh, tell him I heard a really loud gunshot nearby and it _startled_ me or something?”

“...Isn’t every sound relatively loud to you?”

”Alfred doesn’t need to know that.”

_Alfred definitely already knew that._

“You forgot the part where I’m naked.”

“Oh right. Sorry, I’ll put your clothes on—“

“Clark, Alfred knows what we do. We’re both grown ass men and—I swear to God if you try to shove me in those pair of pants right now with a broken hip, Alfred knowing what happened will the be absolute _least_ of your problems.”

“I’m sorry!”

“Go get Alfred. _Now_ ,” he says using the Batman voice.

Clark went to go get Alfred.

*

Alfred surveys the damage up close. “Good heavens.” He presses a gloved hand into the purpling flesh of his rear. “Oh my.”

“Thank you, Alfred, for your _delightful_ commentary,” Bruce replies icily, his chin resting on a pillow.

“You are most welcome, sir. Now...” he clears his throat and looks up at them. “Do I even need to ask?”

“No,” both Bruce and Clark reply simultaneously.

“Right...” he says. “It seems that your tailbone has taken the worst of it, thankfully. Your hips are bruised, but they don’t seem to be broken. You’ll be out of commission for a few weeks at best. Six if you’re lucky.”

“I’m so sorry,” Clark says for the millionth time.

Bruce shifts, trying to sit up. “I’ll work through it.”

“I don’t recommend that, sir.”

“It’s not that bad,” Bruce says. “I’ve worked through worse injuries.”

”I didn’t recommend that for those either, sir. You need to rest it,” Alfred says in exasperation.

“I don’t care.”

” _Sir_.”

” _Alfred_ ,” Bruce bites. He winces as he moves himself into a sitting position.

Alfred sighs, and shakes his head. ”I implore you to try.”

”I won’t stop going out as Batman.”

“If you must,” Alfred concedes, but not without a doubting lilt to his voice. He shoots a pointed look at both of them. “But no moreof this type of activity for at least ten weeks. That is nonnegotiable.”

“So no...?” Clark trails off.

”Correct,” Alfred clarifies. “I would prefer none at all during those ten weeks, but I know he won’t listen to me. He can still safely engage in some sexual activities without permanent damage. He just can’t be in his...preferred position.”

“Screw you, Alfred,” Bruce mumbles.

With far too much pleasure, he says, “No, sir. I’m afraid that you were the one who desired to be screwed. That’s the reason why you’re in this mess to begin with.”

Clark nods very seriously with a solemn expression on his face. “I promise I’ll be more careful from now on.”

“I would hope so, Mr. Kent. Perhaps you should invest in some kryptonite condoms. It won’t change much in the pregnancy department, but it might encourage you to slow down a little.”

Bruce sighs. “Thank you, Alfred. You may leave.”

Alfred bows deeply, and a moment later, the butler was gone.   


Clark rests a solid hand on his shoulder. “If it’s any condolences, your ass still looks great.”

“Thank you, Clark. That makes me feel a world of a difference.”

**Author's Note:**

> There is a second installment to this garbage! Click [here](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1664647) to see it!


End file.
